This heart, it beats. Beats for only you...
Basically, I suck
It's really frustrating when you know in your head that you aren't doing all too well and that you've drifted away from God, but you're unable (and unwilling) to do anything about it. It sucks.
But I want to know God more. I want to grow and change, to learn. I'm sick of my sin, my laziness. The apathy. I'm tired of this rut. I'm tired of being tired. I've lost that passion I once had. And its frustrating as hell.
Why am I so easily pleased? Why am I always so damn content with sub-par? With just getting by? I'm tired of standing still.
But I want to know God more. I want to grow and change, to learn. I'm sick of my sin, my laziness. The apathy. I'm tired of this rut. I'm tired of being tired. I've lost that passion I once had. And its frustrating as hell.
Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.I concern myself with meaningless things, while neglecting the things that are good. And then I turn around and complain about it like I am absolutely not at fault. I think to myself, "Why can't it be easier?" That is, in the rare moments I actually stop for 5 seconds and actually think. Instead I'm content in vegetating.James 4:8
Why am I so easily pleased? Why am I always so damn content with sub-par? With just getting by? I'm tired of standing still.
For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.In the end, I know what I need. I need to remember the gospel. I need Jesus. I need to remember that he died for my sins. I need that realization to really stick, so that it doesn't just go out the window in the face of any little shiny thing that catches my attention. I need to read the word more (or more accurately, I need to read the word, period). I need to pray, for more than for God to bail me out of situation or y problem.Romans 7:19-20
Trust in the LORD with all your heartI need to stop trying to make my path straight and then trusting in the Lord. Basically, I need to stop sucking at being a Christian.
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.Proverbs 3:5-6
Having my mom do my laundry
You know what else I suck at? Finding that balance between trusting God and taking action. The Bible makes it pretty clear that trusting God is the way to go.
So yea, there's always the situations where I don't actually trust God, most often when it comes to problems and struggles. But I also suck it up when I trust God sometimes. Basically, a lot of times I find myself trusting God too much. Yeah yeah, "You can never trust God too much blah blah blah blah." Saying that I trust God too much is not the right way to say it, but I don't know the right way so deal with it.
Usually I react better to the big problems, but when they are smaller is when I have trouble. So usually, I'll end up with a mindset of "Oh, God has my back. He's an awesome God who has my best interests in mind. I'll be okay." And then I go and do something else like play video games or make a lame attempt at blogging. It reminds me a lot of just walking up to my mom with a pile of laundry and dumping it on the floor in front of her and leaving.
So how do you find that balance when you're so prone to either just attempt to fix it yourself without God, or just dump everything on God and leave? I know its not really about how much I do or don't do but the status of my heart. But I'm broken, unreliable, prone to failure, and despicable.
Maybe one day I'll get better at finding that balance. Maybe one day I'll stop desiring things other than God. But I guess until that day I'll just have to keep pressing forward, trying to be faithful. Because more than anything, I look forward to that day where I can sin no more.
Trust in the LORD with all your heartThat's great, and I'm not going to argue with it. Trusting God is probably the correct course of action in most cases. I 100% acknowledge and agree with that. But I suck at doing it. In more ways than one.
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.Proverbs 3:5-6
So yea, there's always the situations where I don't actually trust God, most often when it comes to problems and struggles. But I also suck it up when I trust God sometimes. Basically, a lot of times I find myself trusting God too much. Yeah yeah, "You can never trust God too much blah blah blah blah." Saying that I trust God too much is not the right way to say it, but I don't know the right way so deal with it.
Usually I react better to the big problems, but when they are smaller is when I have trouble. So usually, I'll end up with a mindset of "Oh, God has my back. He's an awesome God who has my best interests in mind. I'll be okay." And then I go and do something else like play video games or make a lame attempt at blogging. It reminds me a lot of just walking up to my mom with a pile of laundry and dumping it on the floor in front of her and leaving.
So how do you find that balance when you're so prone to either just attempt to fix it yourself without God, or just dump everything on God and leave? I know its not really about how much I do or don't do but the status of my heart. But I'm broken, unreliable, prone to failure, and despicable.
Maybe one day I'll get better at finding that balance. Maybe one day I'll stop desiring things other than God. But I guess until that day I'll just have to keep pressing forward, trying to be faithful. Because more than anything, I look forward to that day where I can sin no more.
Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.Philippians 3:12-14
Trials, Joy, Suckage, Grace, Peace
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.James 1:2-4 (ESV)
Its so easy to just say that you will count it all joy, or even to acknowledge that that is the correct course of action. Living it is another story. It just can get so overwhelming sometimes, as one thing after the other slowly attempts to crush me under its weight.
Things don't really make sense to me. I don't really get God, or what he's trying to do by heaping piles and piles of what seems to be crap on top of me. But I know in the end, all that crap is good for me. Because God is just. And he is righteous. And in the end, God has my best interests in mind. Only I'm too short sighted to see it. And so I complain and worry and get angry and bitter as I go into 'damage control mode.' I'm so dumb.
99 times out of 100, God has to drag me kicking and screaming to him, leaving me with no other options than to ask him for help. Even though I know in my head that I probably should have just asked him right from the beginning.
So yea, I suck. But God doesn't. And as long as I remember that, I'll be ok. Because he's got my back. No matter what happens.
So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.So hopefully, I'll do better at remembering. And then maybe I'll suck a little less. Because in the end, God's grace really is sufficient. No, it's more than sufficient. And it's so much better than anything else.2 Corinthians 12:7-10
do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.Philippians 4:6-7 (ESV)
